U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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