i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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