I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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