So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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