he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
