It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
