So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
