3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
