Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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