My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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