We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
