Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Randomize
