Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
