Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
