Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
