Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize