i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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