my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Come see our sink grown plant.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
