i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
