youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
