don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
