I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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