White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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