K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
