My Higher Power is John Stamos
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
