Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
