He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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