I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
