Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
