I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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