my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
