I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
