I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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