Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
