i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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