If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
