i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
