Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize