dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
