i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
