I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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