Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
