The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There's always time for handjobs
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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