Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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