her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
