We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
