Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
