i need an iv and a liver transplant
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
