FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize