I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
