We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
