I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
