Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
you will always have a special place in my vag
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
