Ambien. No doubt about it.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
