you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
