Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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