and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
