I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
