3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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