Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
