i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
