I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
