Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
