why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
