I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
