I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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