If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
